The Public Phone Talkers

A Guide to Society’s Most Audibly Confused & Delusional Characters

There’s a special breed of human roaming among us. You’ve seen them. You’ve heard them. Hell, you’ve probably moved to avoid them. These are the Public Phone Talkers, a subspecies that believe their personal conversations are national broadcasts we’ve all been waiting to tune into. They operate on the principle that volume equals importance and privacy is for losers. Whether they're in a store, a parking lot, or walking down a street like they're auditioning for a one-person podcast, they make sure you are a part of their deeply uninteresting drama. Let's take a moment to appreciate these unsung heroes of public oversharing.

Guy Who Walks His Phone, Not His Dog

This guy is out for a “walk,” dog leash in one hand, phone in the other, and zero awareness of the four-legged hostage dragging behind him like an afterthought. He’s locked in a phone call about something urgent, like whether he should “circle back with Todd” or “touch base after the meeting.” Todd, wherever you are, please take this man’s phone and throw it into the sea.

The dog is left sniffing the same tree for five minutes or hopelessly tangled in shrub while Phone Guy paces like he’s closing a multi-million-dollar deal from the sidewalk outside a Home Depot. People crossing his path have to navigate around both him and the trailing leash. And heaven forbid you cough within 10 feet — he’ll shoot you a dirty look like you’re interrupting a eulogy.

Liquor Store Megaphone Mama

Enter: the woman whose voice could double as a tornado warning system. She’s in the liquor store, wearing pajama pants that have clearly seen battle, and holding a bottle of Peach Schnapps like it's a microphone. Her conversation is about as private as a halftime show, and ten times louder.

“GIRL, I TOLD HIM I DON’T CARE IF HE SLEEPS ON THE COUCH—IMMA DRINK MY WINE AND WATCH MY SHOWS!” echoes through the vodka aisle. She blocks out the Fireball display at the checkout counter while unloading the details of her most recent bedroom argument. And the poor guy behind her who just came in for a quiet bottle of bourbon is now reconsidering sobriety. Children are crying. The cashier is Googling “early retirement.” But she’s living her truth, baby.

The Shoulder-Cradle Checkout Contortionist

Ah yes, the rare grocery store multitasker. This is the guy who thinks his ear is a suction cup and his neck was designed by IKEA. He cradles his phone between shoulder and jaw like he’s birthing a baby giraffe, while simultaneously scanning 47 items at the self-checkout, bagging them, and awkwardly trying to insert his loyalty card upside down for the fifth time.

He’s on the phone with someone equally as useless:
“Yeah, I think I’ll go with the oat milk, or maybe almond? But they got this new cashew blend...” Meanwhile, you’re behind him holding one sad rotisserie chicken and wondering how you ended up in this checkout hostage crisis.

He grunts and shifts his body like a malfunctioning Transformer every time the machine beeps, then waves his hand to signal the cashier because he scanned his 12-pack of Diet Coke twice. God forbid he hangs up for two minutes to finish his shopping. That phone call is sacred. He might miss a life-altering update from a person he probably talks to everyday.

Bluetooth Car Speaker Girl – The Soundtrack of Regret

You’re in a peaceful parking lot. Birds chirp. A light breeze whispers through the trees. You have your windows down and you are casually checking some e-mails on your phone. And then BAM—your ears are assaulted by Bluetooth Car Speaker Girl, whose entire SUV is now a rolling talk show featuring one guest: the tragedy that is her love life.

“AND THEN I TOLD HIM, ‘NAH BOY, YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE ME!” Ah, the poetry. Especially when broadcast at 120 decibels through blown-out car speakers, two parking spaces away. You didn’t ask for this. Nobody did. But now you know she’s thinking about calling her ex, has an upcoming wax appointment, and might have had a UTI. You’re invested against your will.

Mothers are ushering their kids away like she’s a biohazard. Elderly folks pretend not to hear, but their hearing aids are frying. Meanwhile, Bluetooth Girl adjusts her lashes in the mirror like she’s rehearsing for Love & Hip Hop: Target Parking Lot Edition.

 

The Facetime Free Walker

This person strolls through public places holding their phone out in front like they’re mapping the terrain for alien life. It’s a FaceTime call of course. The camera is bouncing with every step, treating the person on the other end to a nausea-inducing Blair Witch-style tour of the local CVS.

You get to see them, their friend, and a whole lot of ceiling tiles as they shout:
“WAIT—LOOK AT THIS! DO YOU WANT THE PINK ONE OR THE PURPLE ONE?”
Meanwhile, you’re trying to navigate past them to get to the Tums because you ate gas station sushi and now your stomach is in its final death throes.

But no. She’s smack in the middle of the aisle, doing a slow pirouette like she’s auditioning for the Bolshoi Ballet while casually describing the benefits of foot cream over spray. The store fire alarm could be going off but she won’t notice because she’s glued to her face time screen like it’s the first time she watched The Wizard of Oz.

Earbud Tapper Extraordinaire

This guy has Bluetooth earbuds so surgically implanted into his skull; you’d think he was a Verizon cyborg. He’s the master of the dramatic ear tap, especially when someone dares to speak to him whiles he is mid-conversation.

You approach to ask if he’s in line. He throws up the index finger of silence, taps his ear like he’s launching a space shuttle, and says “Hold on, babe—someone’s talking to me in real life.” Then he looks at you like you interrupted a Nobel Prize ceremony.

You back away slowly, unsure if you’ve just committed a social faux pas or stepped into a futuristic hostage situation. Meanwhile, he’s standing in front of the magazine rack at the checkout line explaining in-depth to someone on the other end why he ghosted their cousin. Riveting!

The Restroom Ringmaster

Because nothing screams boundaries like a loud phone call in the stall next to you. This is the person who answers mid-flush and just keeps going because he knows the acoustics of a tiled public bathroom make for a great conference room.

You hear the unmistakable echo of a toilet bowl and the sound of them discussing dinner plans like they’re in a Panera. You try to breathe through your mouth and question every life decision that led you to this point. Meanwhile, they’re saying things like, “Yeah I’m just out and about!” Oh honey, you’re in and about a public bathroom. And now so are we.

Sidewalk Therapist

Usually pacing in front of a Starbucks, this is the person having a full-blown emotional breakdown in the middle of foot traffic. They’re crying, yelling, or reliving trauma from 2004—and you’re getting the director’s cut. You're just trying to get your caffeine and suddenly you're an extra in a telenovela.

They’re sobbing into their phone: “I just don’t GET why he said that—like I was THERE for him! I HELPED HIS MOM!” And now everyone in a three-block radius knows about Trevor’s betrayal and Cheryl’s ungrateful uterus.

You give a sympathetic nod as you pass, not because you care, but because making eye contact is the only way out.

Final Thoughts from a Phone-Free Zone

If you’re reading this and thinking “Hey, I do that!” — congratulations. You are the reason noise-canceling headphones were invented. But we salute you anyway. You’re the ambient noise of modern life. The involuntary narrator of our public existence.

Someday, we’ll write history books that begin with: “Once upon a time, people used to talk on the phone quietly and in private. Then the zombies got Bluetooth.”

Stay tuned for our next installment: “People Who Watch Reels with the Volume at Max in Waiting Rooms: Why We’re Rooting for an Asteroid visit.”